Life After Tesla: 5 EVs That Won’t Get Destroyed by Someone
Welcome back to Staten News — where even Elon’s shadow can’t block the sunlight on other EV options.
Tesla’s had a rough stretch. Between recall drama, pricing volatility, software bugs, and whatever Elon tweets next, it’s fair to wonder: is it time to consider life beyond the Model 3?
Here are five EV alternatives that won’t emotionally neglect you, randomly disable features overnight, or get destroyed by someone while it’s parked.
🌍 1. Hyundai IONIQ 6 – The Smooth Operator
This thing looks like a Porsche and drives like it’s got something to prove at the family reunion.
Range: ~360 miles
Starting Price: ~$42K
Why it wins: Under-the-radar quality. Actually has buttons. Shocker, we know.
Tesla comparison: Less cult energy, more comfort. The IONIQ 6 won’t ghost you during a software update.
🌴 2. Rivian R1T – The Adventurer
This electric truck is part Patagonia model, part apocalypse prepper.
Range: ~314 miles
Starting Price: ~$73K
Why it wins: Truck bed gear tunnel. Flashlight in the door. Camp mode. Built like it trains with REI.
Tesla comparison: The Cybertruck’s cooler cousin who actually shows up to the hike.
🌄 3. Lucid Air – The Quiet Flex
Luxury without the Musk-iness. Feels like driving a spaceship piloted by a stoic British butler.
Range: ~410–520 miles
Starting Price: ~$69K (but goes way up)
Why it wins: Insane range, tech-forward interior, ultra-premium vibes.
Tesla comparison: Lucid doesn’t try to be your buddy. It just outperforms you in silence.
🏡 4. Ford Mustang Mach-E – The People’s Pony
The name still triggers Mustang purists. But it drives better than anyone expected — and it’s everywhere now.
Range: ~250–312 miles
Starting Price: ~$39K
Why it wins: Familiar feel with EV charm. BlueCruise driver-assist is solid.
Tesla comparison: Fewer over-the-air shenanigans. Less fanfare. Just works.
🚌 5. Chevy Blazer EV – The Underdog That Might Eat Your Fries
GM's got jokes, but this SUV has shown up ready. Solid range, roomy interior, and doesn’t need a personality cult to sell.
Range: ~279–324 miles
Starting Price: ~$56K
Why it wins: Surprisingly well-rounded. Feels like the ‘quiet kid’ who aces every group project.
Tesla comparison: Less autopilot panic. More steering wheel loyalty.
🤯 Final Charge
Tesla isn’t dead — just dramatic. But if you’re over the saga, these EVs deliver the juice without the chaos.
Because sometimes you just want your car to get you from A to B... without livestreaming its existential crisis.
Got a sleeper EV pick we missed? A Tesla horror story that deserves the group chat? Hit us in the comments or reply with your favorite alternative.
Until next time — drive safe, charge often, and beware the phantom door handles.
— The Bandicoots